Grocery Hell

Yesterday in the interest of time we tried the divide and conquer approach.  After a quick trip to the store as a family I then dropped Hari off at the gym and while he worked out I was going to take the boys and get some groceries.  This seemed like a good way for us to get everything done, and I felt prepared.  Knowing that there was a high likelihood that Colin would need to use the bathroom, I brought the sling so I could easily (HA! HA! HA!) haul Ryan along with us.  I had the "itsy spider" (aka iTouch) fully charged and loaded, had a plan for getting through the store in an hour... all systems go.

Or not.

It started the moment Hari got out of the car.  Colin became hysterical, sobbing "I want my Daddy!  I wanna go with him.  I wanna be togeeeeether!!!!"  I thought it might be low blood sugar and asked if he wanted a bar (aka Kid's Clif Bar) as a snack.  "Yeeeeeeeeess"  We got to a red light and I started digging through the diaper bag... and found 4 squeezies, a packet of craisins, and a box of raisins.  No bar.  (OH NO)  Hoping against hope I told Colin the bar was just hiding from me, and when we stopped I'd get it for him.  (Please... please let there be a bar somewhere in the bottom of the bag.)  We pulled in, parked, and I began rummaging through the bag.  No luck - no bar.  (crap)  "Colin, look - I have four squeezies, you can pick any one you want."  The sobbing resumed, "I don't waaaaan a squeezie.  I want a baaaar, Mommy.  Is it hiding from you?  Is it still hiding from you?  Look again.  Please look again."

Giving up on the food situation I turned to distraction.  I couldn't believe it, but I found one of the carts with the toy car on the front so Colin could ride (this is like hitting the lottery - you can NEVER find one of those carts... they are always taken). Colin - please stop crying.  Listen... I have a surprise for you... just wait one minute and I'll show you... but you have to be a really good boy.  (I figured I'd build it up to make it seem like a treat.)

I got Ryan (sleeping) into the main seat of the cart, then got Colin.. WHOOPEEE!  He was so excited to sit in the car, but when I went to click the "seatbelt" it was broken so I had to count on him to sit in it.  That lasted for about 2 minutes, after which he was hanging his head and arms out the "door" to watch the wheels.  Or standing up with his head and shoulders coming out of the "windshield" to look at me.  Keep in mind that I am now trying to steer a shopping cart that has a 3-foot "car" attachment on the front of it.  Which turns grocery shopping into a pseudo-bumper-car experience.  But I digress.

Next, of course, Colin had to go potty.  "Right now, mommy!  I have to go potty NOW!"  (AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHH!!!!!)   I turned the cart around (nearly maiming a family of four and an elderly gentleman in the process) and headed for the bathrooms.  OK, now get the sling on... baby in the sling... grab Colin's hand... dodge the giant cart full of melons... and.... WE MADE IT!  In the restroom, find an open stall, get Colin in, find a way to turn around while wearing the baby, close the door, get my purse back up on my other shoulder... check the baby again (tucking his arms into the sling so he can't touch anything).... and... WHEW!  We somehow managed to get there in time and Colin took care of business.  Then over to the sink, wash-wash-wash, paper towel and we're out.  Ahhhh.... I did it.  Now we're in the clear... he should be fine for the rest of the shopping trip.  PHEW!

We get back to the cart, I put the baby in the seat, get Colin situated, turn the giant cart around and...

"Mommy... I have to poop.  I have to go poopy.  Mommy, I have to go!"

I thought: @#$*()^@_!#<)*%)#>$*)*#^%(@#$^~*!!!!!!!!
I said: "OK, Colin - just hold it for a moment.  You're a very good boy for telling me.  We're going."

I (again) turned the monstrous cart back around, found a "parking" spot, got the sling on, set the baby in the sling, (hurry-hurry-hurry), grabbed Colin by the hand, and started weaving through the crowd to get back to the bathroom.  Into the stall, disinfect the seat, pants down and...

"I went pee-pee Mommy.  I'm done."

Swallowing my desire to scream, I asked Colin very calmly, "Are you sure, honey?  We aren't coming back so if you need to poop you have to go now."

Nope, I'm done.

We went through the cleansing routine again, and then headed back into the fray.  I somehow managed to find all the groceries I needed (in spite of the store changing their entire layout three times in the past 18  months), no one fell out of the cart or got run over, I didn't knock any displays over, and no one broke down and sobbed (me included).  I managed to get everything paid for, and headed outside to go and pick up Hari, right on schedule when... it started to rain.

I hurried to the van, quickly got the baby in his seat, then grabbed Colin (who was safe and dry in his little car) and put him in his carseat.  Colin, being a very observant boy, noticed that it was raining.  So he commented, "Mommy, it's raining.  Your butt is getting wet.  Your big butt is getting allll wet!"

Thank you, Colin.  I know.

And that, dear friends, was my experience in grocery hell.