The Things They Don't Tell You
There are a lot of things that they don't tell you before you're a parent. (I'm not talking about pregnancy... that's a story unto itself, I'm talking about after the child is born and you have this new little person to deal with.) You just have to kinda bumble your way through and figure it out on your own. But as a courtesy to anyone who does not yet have children, I'm going to buck tradition and give a little insight:
- Once you have a child it is extremely unlikely that you'll ever leave the house again without some indicator that you're a parent. It might be spit-up, food, toothpaste, or juice - the substance itself doesn't really matter. But (not unlike cattle!) you'll be tagged to notify all the world that there's a kid who owns you.
- Gross and disgusting bodily functions are a part of your daily life, and you won't care. Seriously. The ridiculous and unrealistic stories of people walking around with a shirt that only has "a little" spit-up on it, or a mom putting out her hand to catch her child's vomit... they're all true. And you'll do it without even thinking about it.
- You will think your kid is the best, smartest, fastest, most incredible little person who ever lived. Everything they do is amazing - a first in the history of the universe. Don't try and fight it - you'll be bragging until everyone around you is in tears, begging you to stop, and you won't even realize you're doing it.
- You'll never sleep through the night again, and yet you'll find a way to function on 4 hours of sleep. Or less.
- Kids truly delight in the little things (a crayon, a bird, a flying chunk of dog fur), and you will too.
- Your child will, at some point, wake you up by sticking their finger so far up your nose that they are probably touching your brain.
- All the things that used to annoy you about kids will become cute (or at least tolerable) when the child is your own.
- At some point, inevitably, you will take the diaper off your child not realizing that they weren't "done". And if you're extra lucky (like me!) you won't realize until after you've stepped in a warm little pile. And tracked it around the bathroom.
- Owning a cat guarantees that your child as a toddler will pick up and squish a hairball, probably rubbing it all over you before you realize what happened.
- A hug or smile from your kid will erase the incredibly horrible/frustrating day you had.
- Anything breakable in your home will either be shuttled off into storage or moved to a high shelf.
- You will repeatedly underestimate the reach of your child, and they will grab things that you were sure they couldn't get. To be safe I recommend adding at least six inches to your perception of your child's arm length. They're kids and they stretch. Alot.
- You will experience joy and love beyond anything you could ever have imagined. It sounds cliche and trite, but there's really no other way to describe it.
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