Happy Birthday Little Man!
I remember the days B.C. (Before Colin), and know I had a lot more free time that I could schedule around me. Doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. But in a way those days seem somewhat surreal - almost as if they're stories I was told about someone else. Everything is different now. And I mean that literally: everything is different!
I used to take long walks with Sydney while listening to podiobooks or a podcast or the news. Now Syd and I take the same walk (albeit a little less frequently) but I am pushing a stroller and focusing my attention on the birds, squirrels, cars, helicopters, and other minutiae that Colin points out to me.
I used to go hiking almost every weekend, exploring the hills and backwoods of central New Jersey. Now I take much shorter (and slower!) "adventure walks" around our neighborhood where Colin and I examine tree bark, ants, moss, sticks, and puddles.
I used to read a book during most meals (H was typically still at work). Now mealtimes are spent helping Colin learn the proper use of a fork (fork is for food, not for combing your hair) and discussing what is yummy, or being told that he is "all done." And while I still do make time to read my own books, I'm also spending time each day reading aloud from tomes like Big Red Barn, A Cuddle For Little Duck, and Doggies - A Counting and Barking Book.
I used to listen to Nine Inch Nails and Depeche Mode. I still listen to them (you can't give up everything!) but in addition I've become a huge fan of They Might Be Giants, and Susie Tallman and have reacquainted myself with some lost favorites including: Five Little Ducks, She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain, Row Row Row Your Boat, and London Bridge is Falling Down.
I used to go to the gym (or work out on my own) for at least an hour a day, sometimes two hours or more. Now I still make it to the gym, but not as frequently as I used to (or would like to!), and my workouts are often preceded or followed by a Colin gym session. This could include swimming, playing on an unoccupied racquetball court, or chasing exercise balls around in an open studio. And, of course, I have my daily at-home workout routine which involves a lot of squats (picking up toys, shoes, books), bicep curls (Up Mama, up!) and cardio (Colin... come back here!).
Our free time used to include fancy restaurants, Broadway shows, regular nights at the movies, and the occasional surprise weekend trip. Now we plan our evenings and weekends around nap time, snacks, and bedtime.
I used to drive my beloved Nissan Murano... It was not only my personal luxury, it was also our go-to vehicle - perfect for road trips, hiking expeditions with Sydney, or just looking cool driving around town. This past weekend we went out and traded in the Murano for a Chrysler Town & Country... and I, the woman who swore I would never own a minivan, am the one who suggested it. It was my idea, and while it isn't glamorous I am really happy with our decision and know it is going to be a nice ride for the entire family... me, H, Colin, Little Number 2, and Sydney.
Our expenditures look a little different too! The money we used to spend on luxuries now pays for diapers, wipes, shoes that are outgrown in 3 months, and (cha-ching!) daycare.
But the precious moments each day are worth so much more than I could ever even begin to describe. Colin drowsily reaching over and wrapping both arms around my neck and reflexively stroking my hair as he's napping... Colin taking my face between his hands, looking me sternly in the face, then giving me a big kiss on the lips and making a *MWAH* sound... Colin's excitement as he does or learns something new... Colin taking me by the hand and telling me "c'mere Mama" as he leads me to see something he considers important... Colin asking for something, then saying "oh-tay" as if I was the one who suggested it and he's just agreeing to be nice... Colin resting his head on my shoulder, completely relaxed and trusting that I'll take care of him... there is truly no price I could ever put on any of this. And no way I can ever express how much it all means to me.
I look back and think about how terrified I was of becoming a parent. Of making mistakes. Of all the risks and the unknowns that come as part and parcel of having a child. Of all the things that could go wrong. Of the changes my body would go through, and if I'd ever feel like "me" again. Of the potential changes and impacts it would have on my relationship with H. I was so convinced that I would be a failure as a parent. That I couldn't handle it, and that I didn't want it.
In retrospect my old fears all seem so small and petty while the joy that Colin brings to every day is simply overwhelming. I had friends who tried to tell me how wonderful being a parent is, and how it changes everything (in a good way) but it really isn't the kind of thing that anyone can ever tell you. I'm sure for some people the experience is vastly different - I can only speak for myself. And I can honestly say that nothing anyone could ever have told me would have prepared me for life as a parent. Colin is truly, and without a doubt the most incredible and wonderful thing that has ever happened in my life, and I am thankful every day for him and for my amazing husband who is by my side every step of the way on this journey.
Happy birthday, Little Man. I love you!
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