Alpha and Omega (08/2011)
WOW... I just found a post I wrote but never published from 2011... here it is, unedited.
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As my maternity leave draws to an end, I am going through many of the same emotions and general turmoil that I felt the last time. I find that it is both harder and easier than when I had to do this with Colin.
It is easier because I have done this before. I know that I can do it. That there are great teachers who will take very good care of my sons. That Ryan will have friends he knows from infancy, who he will grow and learn and play with. That my plan to visit at lunch every day will work, and that visit will get me through the day. That my son(s) will still love me, and will know the difference between Mom and the ladies at school. And that, if Colin is any evidence, they will both grow up knowing they are loved, cared for, and will have fun while I'm at work. It is obscenely expensive, but worth every penny if I know they will be safe, nurtured, educated, and happy.
On the other hand, it is harder now. I've had the luxury of staying home twice now. I've experienced the joys (and yes, the frustrations!) of having two little boys. I've coped with both boys sobbing hysterically at the same time. Colin fighting his nap while Ryan was screaming to be fed. Trying to coordinate a walk for the dog into our day when it is 105º out. Realizing (again!) that all my great plans to get house projects done were tabled because when you're caring for a newborn time evaporates.
I can see the appeal work has in some ways. I'll definitely get a shower every day. I'll get to wear my "fancy" work clothes instead of going through three t-shirts per day (babies are messy!). I'll talk to adults on a regular basis, not just a quick catch-up with H at 10PM as we're both nodding off from exhaustion.
But in these final days, I see things through rose-colored glasses. The spit-up and explosive diapers and all the other messes pale in comparison to the smiles and love I get from these boys. Ryan's early-morning smiles and cooing. Colin exclaiming "Tank you! I wuv you, Mommy. I WUV you!" as he threw his arms around my leg (because I let him out of the stroller so he could run). Colin absentmindedly patting the baby's head as he watches a movie, or the hug I got as he fell asleep for his nap. Ryan's frenetic dancing and gurgles when Sydney licks his face.
It isn't that I won't get to enjoy these things anymore. I will, and I know that. But they will be relegated to the evenings and weekends, and someone else will get to enjoy most of my boy's precious moments.
On the other hand, I think about H. He never had the luxury of maternity (or paternity) leave. With Colin he had to go into work the day after the little guy was born, and while he took a couple of days when we had Ryan (to help care for Colin!) he has never had the luxury (and challenge) of dealing with these two, together, for multiple days without a break. He had to deal with going back to work right away. Seeing them only for a few stolen moments in the evening as Colin was getting ready for bed. We've talked about this and it is both harder and easier than my situation. Harder because he's never had the intense one-on-one time with the boys, but easier because he never had to make the adjustment from home back to work.
Our experience with our sons has been very different, and as we look ahead to Ryan's first day of school (and Colin's return) I am grateful that I've had this time. I don't care how sad I am on Tuesday, I don't care how hard it is to drop them off on the first day. I wouldn't trade one moment of this. Every second of the past three months has been precious. And yes, that includes the vomit and diapers and sleepless nights.
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As my maternity leave draws to an end, I am going through many of the same emotions and general turmoil that I felt the last time. I find that it is both harder and easier than when I had to do this with Colin.
It is easier because I have done this before. I know that I can do it. That there are great teachers who will take very good care of my sons. That Ryan will have friends he knows from infancy, who he will grow and learn and play with. That my plan to visit at lunch every day will work, and that visit will get me through the day. That my son(s) will still love me, and will know the difference between Mom and the ladies at school. And that, if Colin is any evidence, they will both grow up knowing they are loved, cared for, and will have fun while I'm at work. It is obscenely expensive, but worth every penny if I know they will be safe, nurtured, educated, and happy.
On the other hand, it is harder now. I've had the luxury of staying home twice now. I've experienced the joys (and yes, the frustrations!) of having two little boys. I've coped with both boys sobbing hysterically at the same time. Colin fighting his nap while Ryan was screaming to be fed. Trying to coordinate a walk for the dog into our day when it is 105º out. Realizing (again!) that all my great plans to get house projects done were tabled because when you're caring for a newborn time evaporates.
I can see the appeal work has in some ways. I'll definitely get a shower every day. I'll get to wear my "fancy" work clothes instead of going through three t-shirts per day (babies are messy!). I'll talk to adults on a regular basis, not just a quick catch-up with H at 10PM as we're both nodding off from exhaustion.
But in these final days, I see things through rose-colored glasses. The spit-up and explosive diapers and all the other messes pale in comparison to the smiles and love I get from these boys. Ryan's early-morning smiles and cooing. Colin exclaiming "Tank you! I wuv you, Mommy. I WUV you!" as he threw his arms around my leg (because I let him out of the stroller so he could run). Colin absentmindedly patting the baby's head as he watches a movie, or the hug I got as he fell asleep for his nap. Ryan's frenetic dancing and gurgles when Sydney licks his face.
It isn't that I won't get to enjoy these things anymore. I will, and I know that. But they will be relegated to the evenings and weekends, and someone else will get to enjoy most of my boy's precious moments.
On the other hand, I think about H. He never had the luxury of maternity (or paternity) leave. With Colin he had to go into work the day after the little guy was born, and while he took a couple of days when we had Ryan (to help care for Colin!) he has never had the luxury (and challenge) of dealing with these two, together, for multiple days without a break. He had to deal with going back to work right away. Seeing them only for a few stolen moments in the evening as Colin was getting ready for bed. We've talked about this and it is both harder and easier than my situation. Harder because he's never had the intense one-on-one time with the boys, but easier because he never had to make the adjustment from home back to work.
Our experience with our sons has been very different, and as we look ahead to Ryan's first day of school (and Colin's return) I am grateful that I've had this time. I don't care how sad I am on Tuesday, I don't care how hard it is to drop them off on the first day. I wouldn't trade one moment of this. Every second of the past three months has been precious. And yes, that includes the vomit and diapers and sleepless nights.
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