How To NOT Take a Shower, by Ryan Sharma

The following events are true. They actually happened, last night.  In my house.

No story details have been exaggerated (although parental frustration may be understated).

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Me: Ryan, take a shower. I'll time you - let's see if you can get done in less than 5 minutes.

Ryan goes upstairs and excitedly begins a countdown.  "I'm getting in the shower in 5.... 4.... 3.... 2... *

Me (from the kitchen): OK, I'm starting the timer.

15 minutes later... Ryan still isn't downstairs.  I go up. Ryan is naked, hanging out in the bathroom. I sniff his suspiciously dry hair... 

Me: Ryan, did you shower?

Ryan: NO!  You started the timer too soon - I was never going to make it.

[It should be noted that Ryan was at "2" on his countdown when I claimed to have started the timer.  TWO, people.  So there was a whopping "one" left before he was supposedly going to start his shower.  And I wasn't starting any stupid timer... I was downstairs making dinner.  I was just pretending there was a timer so he'd try and get done and we could move on with our night.]

Me: Ryan... you have to shower before dinner. 

Ryan: .....

Me: I'm going downstairs.  Get IN the shower.

45 minutes later...

Ryan, still naked, still not showered, is sitting in the upstairs hallway crying because he is going to miss dinner.

Me: Ryan, just get in the shower!!!

Ryan: Why? I’m just going to miss dinner anyway. I’m so hungry.

Me: So get showered so you can come down and eat.  You can't finish your shower if you don't start.

... ominous silence...

Me: Ryan... GET. IN. THE. SHOWER!!!

Ryan: I AM in the shower.  (I realized that he was literally standing in the shower.  The water was not on.  Soap and shampoo were not involved.  He was just STANDING THERE.)

Me: Turn the water on and use soap and get clean.

Ryan: You just said I had to get IN the shower.

Me: ****head explodes****